Here For Now

So, I'm trying this new approach to life lately, wherein I don't think too hard about things that make me happy; I just let them do what they're doing.  As a lifelong, chronic over-thinker, this has not been a simple matter of flipping a switch in my brain to the 'off' position.  In fact, I am constantly struggling against my natural tendency to psychoanalyze my every choice and action.  I realized something a while back, though.  I have self-sabotaged a large number of seemingly happy experiences in my life by breaking them to see how they worked.  I would spend the whole time wondering what it all meant, so consumed by a hypothetical outcome that ultimately, all I would do was forgot to enjoy what was good about the present.

And the thing is, when I finally started making a concerted effort to just enjoy the here and now, I started realizing that things are pretty great right here, right now.  In fact, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.  Yes, I am 26 years old, and I don't have anything close to a ten year plan.  I'd be lying if I said I have a solid six month plan.  All I know is that today, I am glad that my life is where it is.

So here's a list of stuff that makes me happy:

1. Mexican food.

2. Fall.

3. Muppets (except for the ones with heavy eyebrows and beaks, because they freak me out).

4. Brand new stationary and a really good pen.

5. This picture of a manatee chasing an ice cream cone.

6. Dresses.

7. THIS THING BECAUSE OH MY GOD.

It's called a quokka.  I KNOW.

8. Halloween is just over a month away!

9. New pajamas.

10. This song.

Let's do this.

10 months.  9 days.  4 1/2 hours.  But I'm back.  And this time, I'm going to do my damndest to stick with it.  Because goals.  No apologies.  No regrets.  No promises.  Just goals.

Here are five things that I know:

1.  I like who I am today more than I did the last time I wrote an entry on this blog.  I'm not perfect.  I don't have things entirely sorted out.  But I've improved.  And I'm still improving.

2.  Sometimes, when something is so good it feels like there's no way it could last forever, that's because it's not supposed to.  A life well lived is in a constant state of flux.  Change is essential, and good memories are the true testament to success.  Let life live.

3.  Cheese is still delicious.  That is not a thing that will change.

4.  Sometimes, people prove that the world isn't a lost cause.  It's imperative to look for those moments and focus on them with all your might when you come across them.  Fill yourself with them, and you will be quenched when you suffer through a positivity drought later on.

5.  It's important to do at least one thing every single day that you feel passionate about.  That thing could be painting.  It could be writing a blog entry.  It could be as simple and seemingly meaningless as singing a song in the car that makes you feel better after a long day (mine is "Me & Julio Down By The School Yard").  It could be texting a friend to say hello.  It could just be the perfectly exquisite moment when you take your socks off at the end of the day.  Just as long as you acknowledge it.

I found my quote book on my bookshelf the other day.  For most of high school and college I carried around an increasingly battered composition notebook, which I filled with sayings and phrases I either heard or read.  Some of them don't speak to me the way they did when I penciled them in, but that's okay.  They spoke to me then.  But some of them still ring true.  I'll end this with a few of my favorites.

"Every person is just one, 'Oh, what the hell; why not?' away from a great adventure."  - Ryan McKernan

"There isn't enough time to do nothing!"  - Nate Higginson

"Who needs exercise when you can just laugh?"  - Rebekah Hudson

"Death's a comin' for ya, girl!  You've gotta grab life by the ass and cherish it!"  - Josh Fish

An Open Letter to Myself

This is my first real post in almost six months.  I won't delude myself into thinking that my multitudes of fans lost countless nights of sleep over my half year absence.  I assume you all supplemented your diets by rereading my past entries, stifling yours sobs in the sleeves of your favorite "sad day sweatshirts," before drinking yourselves into alcohol induced comas.

...

Obviously, I jest.  So, rather than attempting to resurrect what was never a booming fan base anyway, I'd like to take this time to get back in touch with the one person who actually suffered from this hiatus...

Dear Morgan,

First and foremost, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I didn't force you over the hurtle when you stopped feeling any creative drive last spring.  I'm sorry that I allowed you to get bogged down in your insecurities, and I regret that I ever let you believe that your talents weren't worth the pursuit.

The truth is, Morgan, I'm still scared.  I'm still insecure.  I still put on horizontal striped shirts on a regular basis, look in a mirror, and then talk myself out of leaving the house in them.  But here's the rub.  I love being creative.  I miss it.  I've been craving an outlet, and though this blog was right in front of me, the very first link on my favorites menu, I neglected it.  I neglected it because the longer I avoided my right brain, the more afraid I was that when I finally did try again, I would be out of practice, and I wouldn't know how to make anything good anymore.

It's time to move past my fear of inadequacy.  As Stuart Smalley once said:

If Michael Jordan can do it, so can I.

So Morgan, let's get one thing straight.  Even if no one else reads it or cares, you're going to hit post when you finish writing this entry.  Then you're going to turn off your computer, go to rehearsal and act the crap out of the first role you've undertaken in two years.  Because you're a damn good actress, and you love doing it. Do you hear me?  You love doing it.

And put that striped shirt back on.  You don't look fat.

Love always,
Morgan